Prayer of the Dying

I have not written in so long and really need to start making more of an effort to make time so that precious memories can be recorded for my kids.

My Grandpa died.  I hate even writing that.  I remember being a small child and laying in bed thinking about the day my Grandpa would die.  I remember praying to Jesus that he would return so that I would never have to experience that day.  His name was Richard Melvin Thorwall.

 I have always been especially close to my grandparents--especially him.  I was the first grandchild and the only grandchild for many years.  He would always entertain my crazy ideas....like the time I thought he and I could be millionaires if we found rocks on the beach (did I mention that they lived in an amazing house RIGHT on the shores of Lake Michigan?!) and painted those rocks and sold them on the side of the road.  We did.  We sold many.  All to my Grandma, but that's okay!  We were well on our way to being millionaires!

I vividly remember conversations that we would have when I was younger and how my Grandpa would tell me that there would come a time where I would have my own family and not want to spend as much time with him.  I told him he was a liar.  He would smile.  I never did stop spending time with them.  During the last few years of his life, I was blessed to be able to help care for him.  I would grumble about that.  Then I would remember when he told me that I wouldn't want to spend as much time with him when I had my own family......  I would still grumble sometimes, but less.  I learned a lot about not being selfish through helping my grandparents. 

I also remember how important the gospel was/is to my grandparents.  Bible reading and prayer happened daily.  I remember wanting to eat lunch really quickly so that we could get to the beach and play, but instead they would bring out their Bibles, devotional book, and a really, really thick prayer book.  I was pretty sure they prayed for every single person on earth and I would get sooooo very impatient.  The people they always prayed for last were their people....their kids and their spouses and their grandchildren.  They prayed that they would come to know and love the gospel as much as they did.  This was and is their biggest desire.  He would speak to me about this desire often--right up until the end. 

A few hours before my Grandpa passed from this life, I was able to spend a precious few hours with him.  Linnea, Luke, my Grandma, and I were quietly sitting around him and my Grandma looked me in the eye and said, "Pray.  I need you to pray."

I obeyed.  I prayed for my Grandpa, prayed for my Grandma, prayed that the Lord would comfort us.  Most of all, though, I prayed that the ultimate desire of my Grandpa's heart would be fulfilled---the salvation of all of his children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and beyond.  It was one of those prayers that you don't feel like you're really praying--as if the Holy Spirit completely took over and I was just the mouthpiece.  I prayed for each of my Grandpa's family one by one, just like he did.  I know that they say that he was unconscious and maybe he was, but I am fairly confident that he heard me. I also know that the 2 children I had with me--Luke and Linnea heard me.  Quiet tears streaming down their sweet faces...they heard me. 

Just 2 hours later, he met his savior face to face.

The next night, Steve and I and the kids were doing our devotions and Luke interrupted us--those quiet tears returning to his cheeks.  "I don't think I am saved,"  he cried. "I have been thinking about it since we were with Great-Grandpa and I cannot get it out of my head.  I want to be saved."   We prayed and Luke received eternal salvation.  Luke Richard is his name.  A namesake of that special man, Richard Melvin Thorwall.

How fitting that the Lord chose to save my Grandpa's namesake as the result of my Grandpa's death. 

The Day You Pray for Patience

The day you pray for patience for "whatever comes your way" is ALWAYS the day that the craziest things happen!

School is in full swing over here.  We are trying to find our groove since we added one more child--Selah--to the school mix, as well as having a very mobile baby to keep up with!  If you're a homeschooler, you know that every year you are trying to find a new groove because life is always changing.  We are doing pretty well, though.  Alec and Linnea are almost 100% independent in all of their work and they are both great learners who love to learn.  

So back to today.  The day was going along perfectly, but I kept getting a phone call from the same person.  I rarely answer the phone during the day because we are usually doing school.  I was starting to get curious as to who this repeat caller could be.  I told myself that if he were to call back, I would answer. 

Being the impatient person that I am, however, I googled his name.  I have been forbidden to google, actually, because everytime I google something, it says that I will die soon.  Sure enough, the name of the person that I googled is a hospital chaplain at University of Michigan Health System.  Of course.  Of course I would get a repeated call from the hospital chaplain.....doesn't everybody? 

My heart started to race and my imagination went everywhere.  All of my kids were with me, so I knew they were okay.  Steve was working in Lansing and nothing ever happens to him at work.....PANIC!  I couldn't get ahold of him.  I knew that this hospital chaplain was trying to reach me to tell me that Steve had died.  I knew it. 

I ended up calling my dad.  "Dad, is everything okay?" 

Dad:  Yeah, why are you asking me that.

Me: Oh, just wondering.  Nobody died today that you know of?

My dad already thinks I am crazy, so this phone call didn't surprise him. 

Dad:  Can you let my dogs out, I am going to be late.  (We live on the same street.)

Sure, dad.  The hospital chaplain is calling me over and over, but I would be happy to let your dogs out!

Steve finally called me back.  Turns out, the hospital chaplain is also one of the coaches on Luke's soccer league.  Silly me!  He was trying to get ahold of me because they needed Luke to fill in on the older kids team because they weren't going to have enough players!  I finally talked to hospital chaplain at 3:15pm---he needed Luke in Brighton at 4pm. 

No problem!  I prayed for patience, so I should be good today!  We had to race to Wal-Mart to get new shin guards first.  Back in the car and getting on the highway, I reached for my phone to call Steve to help me with directions to the place I was supposed to be.

No phone. 

Selah:  You left it on the counter at Wal-Mart!

Me:  How do you know?

Selah:  Because I saw it there when we were leaving.

Me:  Why didn't you tell me?

Selah:  I didn't know you wanted it. 

Patience.  Glad I prayed for it today!

14 Years

14 years ago, right now, I was sitting at St. Joe's Ann Arbor getting ready to have baby Alec.  I think back on that time and cannot even believe how far we've come as a family!

Steve and I got married on August 23, 1997--I was 22, he was 23.  We were both students at EMU.  Prior to our wedding we had 6 months of premarital counseling.  This counseling was a requirement for a wedding in our church, but it wasn't until later that I learned that it was usually only 6 weeks.  Apparently, we needed more!  Perhaps it was because when our pastor asked us what we were looking forward to most about marriage, we answered, "Having fun!!"  He must've thought, "Oh boy.  These people need some work."

Really?  How embarrassing.  And when he asked us how we would handle certain conflicts like dishes that needed to be done, we answered with, "We don't care about the dishes!  We just want to have fun!"

Wow.  I feel like we need to go back to that church and explain that we really aren't that "airheadish"--we just didn't really know what marriage was about.

A couple months after we got married, we were sitting in our living room on our only piece of furniture, which was a tiny loveseat.  We were watching T.V. on our 13 inch in a large entertainment center.  That's pretty much all we had.  I remember that day because I looked at Steve and said, "Do you want a baby?"  "Sure!" he replied.  A baby sounded really fun and fun is what we wanted to have!  I took my first pregnancy test a few weeks later and it was positive!  We were SO excited.  We announced it to everyone in about 2 seconds.  I took 22 more tests after that.  I would make Steve get me a new test every single day.  I was way too embarrassed to buyt the test myself!  23 tests total.  I would line them up on the table and watch how the line got darker and darker as each day passed.  Apparently, I didn't believe that the first ones were accurate.  I also saved all 23 tests in a ziploc bag and put it in Alec's memory box.  Dorky.  But, I just KNOW that someday he will want to line them up all in a row like I did!  Right? 

So, 14 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital bed ready to give birth!  Alec was born at 3:17pm and he was 7 pounds.  He came so fast that I missed my epidural opportunity, but that was okay.

We have enjoyed Alec everyday since!    He is a great big brother to his 5 siblings and a very important part of our family.  He loves the Lord, loves hard work, and loves to learn.  He looks forward to going to college and getting married and having babies.  He is wonderful!

Steve and I have also come a long way since that day.  We no longer believe that life is all about fun, but we do have joy!  We no longer believe that we need to have a lot of money to be successful, but we are very rich.  We also do our dishes regularly and we even occasionally fight over them!  God is good!

Summer, School, and Scans

I cannot believe that the "Summer of Awesomeness" is almost over!  It really went by quick.  I love the lazy days of summer with relaxed schedules and late nights, but....I always look forward to the beginning of the new school year, too.  New school years bring delectable new school supplies and fresh, uncracked new books.  Ahhhhh......

This will be our 9th year of homeschooling.  I cannot even believe it!  I remember back when Alec was in preschool and feeling the panic of sending him to kindergarten and knew that that's not what we were supposed to do.  Private school wasn't a financial option and homeschooling was just bizarre.  Over and over, the Lord just kept putting people in my path that did homeschool or were planning to homeschool and I realized that this was what our family should be doing. 

I do believe our family thought we were crazy....some still think so!  My mom would always give me the local newspaper that had all of the kindergarten round up info and I would tell her that I didn't need it.  She works in the public schools, so we were completely weird to her. 

I remember one family that was integral in our homeschool decision.  We worked in the church nursery together and I would completely "grill" the homschooled daughter.  "Do you like being at home with your mom all day?" or "Do you have friends?"  "Are you bored?"  She was so gracious.  She is now a beautiful college student who loves the Lord.  There were so many other families, too.  Another one that I remember was a woman I had only recently met.  I saw her at church one morning and she told me that she was on her way to a homeschool breakfast.  Really?  There are even homeschool breakfasts??  Maybe I could do this! 

Many of us started at the same time and formed our own community and that has been so essential in the development of my children and the growth of my family.  Our families have grown close and I have even arranged some marriages with some of these families and some of my children.  I am joking...I would never do that.  Well, maybe. 

So, as we go into our 9th year, I am just thankful that the Lord has put our family just where He wants us.  I love learning with my kids and training them up.

Completely unrelated, but a story that I really want to share....

Alec had a ear infection a few weeks ago and then last week started to get pain and some redness behind his ear.  I wasn't really worried about it because I thought he had a bug bite or bruise or something, but Alec was super worried, so I took him to the doctor.  Because of the recent ear infection and the location of the pain, the doctor ordered a CT scan just to rule out a spreading infection. 

Alec is a worrier...like me.  He has learned to pray through it and focus on the complete sovereignty of the Lord, but, he was still nervous.  We got to the hospital for his scan, Alec, Finn, and I.  We waited.  And waited.  Waited some more.  Made long lasting relationships in the waiting room.  Avoided a creepy man who wanted to sit RIGHT next to me while I nursed Finn.  Waited some more and then finally got called back. 

I walked Alec to the room and then came back to the waiting room with Finn.  All of a sudden, Alec was running down the hall with the radiology lady running after him.  "I AM SO SCARED, MOM!"  I told him that he had to do it, it wasn't a choice and he would be fine.  The lady said it freaked her out because she was sliding the table into the machine and he wasn't on it anymore!

Second attempt:  Walked Alec to the room.  STAYED outside the door holding Finn.  By now, there are sick people from the ER lining up in the teensy hall waiting for their turn in the CT room.  Alec rushes out again...."MOM!  Pray with me!  Pray right now!!!"  He is clutching me and then goes on his knee.  "LORD!  HELP ME!"  he yelled.  Loudly.

Oh boy.  The sick people just looked at me waiting to see what I would do.  I felt bad because they were patiently waiting in the hallway while my 13 year old is crying out to the Lord about his ear infection! 

In a quiet whisper...."Lord, help Alec not to be nervous about the scan. Please help him feel calm and forgive me for being so nervous about praying in the hall with all of these people."  Okay, the last part I only said in my head, but it was true. 

Alec:  LORD HELP ME!!!

The whole time, the radiology lady is standing there and they have now called another man to help, patients and nurses are lining the hall and lots of people are walking by leaving for their lunch break. 

LORD!  HELP ME!

The radiology lady finally just told me to come in the room and get him settled and leave right before they take the pictures.  I gave Finn to a nurse leaving for her lunch break--he made friends with all of the people in the hall.  Good boy. 

Third attempt was successful!  The scan came back perfect...no infection.  The pediatrician called us later in the afternoon with the results.  He told me that he told all of the staff that Alec's results are of top priority because he didn't want him to have a worse day. 

I love Alec so much.  I love that he was completely not embarrassed about crying out to the Lord for help when he was so anxious!  I admit, I was extremely embarrassed......I really can learn a lot from him.  I explained that I was just concerned about the sick people waiting and wanted to make sure they didn't wait longer than necessary and that maybe next time we could have some more control in our prayer. 

As we were leaving, one of the sick woman said from her bed, "God bless you."  God bless you, too. 

Bros.

1 John 3:16-18

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.  But, if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?  Little children, let us not love in word or talk, but in deed and in truth. 

I just really love these verses--they have so much to say to us in very few words. 

Sometimes I just feel like I don't do enough to raise my kids spiritually.  They don't know the most scripture or answer the most Sunday school questions or act the most holy.   We do read daily and study, but it just never seems like enough.  There seems to be a lot of competition in the Christian circle sometimes!  Scripture memory and Bible knowledge are really important in raising up godly sons and daughters and we are really working on those things.  But, sometimes you just feel like you are failing because you aren't doing as much as the "So and So" family or your kids don't know as much as the "So and So" kids. 

Satan.  He is always trying to discourage me.  He is actually really good at it, and he knows it.  He knows that when I feel discouraged, I get overwhelmed and irritable and then I "give up". 

But God is good, and He tends to send me encouragement when I need it the most. 

Last week was especially trying.....the kids were fighting and Finn was teething and I wasn't sleeping....if you're a mom, you get it!  I was super close to moving out when I witnessed an amazing moment between two of my children.  A moment that encouraged me to continue to "run the race with endurance."

For whatever reason, Caleb kept calling Luke "fat" all week.  Luke is not fat, but it really hurt his feelings.  Everytime Caleb was upset with Luke, we heard the word "fat"--it was really annoying.  After a couple warnings, Caleb was told that if it happened again, he would be getting 2 spankings with the spoon. 

Sure enough, it happened.  Caleb knew.  He knew that he was about to be spanked and he was really, really upset.  Steve took him to our bedroom and I could hear him scolding Caleb.  Before we spank, we talk about the crime and the punishment about to be handed down.  I could tell that Luke was getting anxious as he sat in the bar stool waiting to hear the "spank" of the spoon on Caleb's bottom.   

STOP!  TELL DAD TO STOP!  I NEED TO TALK TO CALEB!

Steve brought Caleb out to Luke and Luke said, "I don't want you to punish Caleb.  Punish me instead.  I don't want Caleb to be spanked."

Caleb ran to Luke and hugged him and said, "Thank-you, Luke.  Thank you!" through sobs of relief.

I didn't even know what to do.  I just stood there.  Seriously?  You are taking the punishment for the brother that sinned against you over and over?  His response?

That's what Jesus did for me.  That's the gospel. 

Do you know how encouraging that was to me as a mom trying to raise up godly men? 

They may not be the best question answerers or scripture memorizers or the most holy, but they know how to love each other as themselves. 

Thank you, Jesus, for working even in the hearts of young children and for teaching them how to love. 

****Disclaimer*****   I really wasn't going to move out and they still fight.  A lot.  But we are working on it!  And they've actually memorized quite a bit of scripture in the last couple weeks.  Take that, Satan. 

The Flea

So, a couple weeks ago, I heard Selah say to a friend...."Well, my mom is good, but she's not the best mom because she doesn't let us get a cat." 

Wow.  Harsh.  It's not like I didn't want to get an animal, but it's just one more thing to take care of!  Alright, I just am not an animal person.

 A couple days later, I received an email sent out to a homeschool group we belong to and it was an offer for a free kitten.  No.  I can't do it.  I just cannot respond to this offer even if it means that I will never, ever be the best mom ever.  I don't like hair.  Or poop.  Or claws.  I was just going to delete the email and pretend I never got it.  I will just  pretend that I don't know that we are this sweet little kittens last hope.  UGH.  Do you think I ignored the email?

No.  I responded to the email!  I am a big pushover.  Big.

Dear So & So,

We would love to adopt your last kitten.  We have 6 kids and they really, really want a pet and I really, really want to be the best mom ever.  Please let me know if you still have her available.

Sincerely,

Julie

Blech.  Oh no.  Panic.  Please don't reply back to me.  Please.  I cannot handle a kitten.  I have a red couch and it tends to be my idol and I don't like my idol scratched.  Or peed on.  Or, in anyway destroyed.  It has already survived coffee and buttered toast.  Red couch cannot take much more!  Maybe I could still be the best mom ever if I attempted to get the kitten but never actually took her.  Maybe. 

Or maybe not.  "Come get your kitten today!" kitten owner said. 

Oh goody. 

The next morning, Sunday, kitty was scratching.  And scratching.  And scratching.  Then I saw it....the flea.  I don't do fleas.  I don't even do kittens!  I immediately googled and learned that Dawn dishsoap will kill fleas better than the flea shampoos.  I had Dawn, so we lathered up kitty with half of a bottle of it--literally--locked her in the bathroom for 20 minutes while the rest of us got ready for church.  We rinsed off poor kitty and 5 fleas came off.  I think I actually had a panic attack.  Lathered kitty up again for good measure, sent her back to the bathroom for 20 more minutes and rerinsed.  We went through an entire large bottle of Dawn.  No fleas.  I had water and soap and suds covering my lower level floor.  I had a dripping wet kitty and towels that touched the flea.  Uh oh.  I had bedding that touched the flea, too!  And what if all the clean laundry sitting neatly in the basket touched the flea.  Panic!  Strip the beds, wash the towels, rewash all the laundry.  Panic some more and try to let it go so that we can go to our worship service at church.  On top of the flea, I had 100 people coming over for dinner in 7 hours and we have fleas!!

We ended up getting some Frontline and treating her that afternoon. 

I had anxiety over the flea for about a week--probably longer.  I made Steve check kitty every hour.  I checked our living room rug a hundred times a day.  I might have been diagnosed with OCD a couple years ago, but that's a secret and I hide my OCD well, right? 

NO FLEAS!!  Haven't seen one since.

We actually love our sweet little kitty.  She hasn't ruined my red couch.  And I thought I was the best mom ever......until I heard Selah tell Finn, "Mom is good, but she doesn't let us get a horse, so she's not the best mom ever." 

I give up.

Provision

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?"

Matthew 7:11

This is one of my favorite verses.  It actually makes me smile everytime I read it!  Now, I am not a "name it, claim it" believer.  I don't believe that that is the gospel at all.  I do believe, though, that our Father delights in giving us good things--just because he loves us!  

Lately, I have been hearing many stories from other believers about how God supplied their practical need in the final hour---I LOVE those stories.  I LIVE for those stories.  It builds my faith up to hear those stories and I love spending time with believers that share what God is doing in their lives because it builds me up!

Everytime we go to Target, Selah asks for an "ICEE"---I usually say no.  But sometimes, just because I love her, and before she even asks, I turn into the line for ICEES and order it for her.  The smile on her face is enough to make me melt and I delight in giving her those special things!  I know that this is a completely flawed analogy to what our Father gives us, but I delight in giving good gifts to my children--how much more does our Father delight in giving good gifts to us!!  He gave us one of those gifts lately--and it was so completely amazing to me---way better than a Target ICEE!!

A few weeks ago, on a Friday, I was sitting at the computer to pay bills and realized that I was going to be $92 short.  Not a huge deal....I could adjust my grocery budget back even further than it already is, or not use up gas by staying at home, etc.  We are paying a lot per month in Steve's medical bills and don't have a lot of wiggle room in our budget---alright, we have no wiggle room!   

If you know me well, you know that I struggle with anxiety and I've just been more on edge since Steve's stroke--my brain likes to start with all of the "what ifs" and then I think too much and don't trust enough.  The Lord and I work on that almost daily!  I have been working on giving big things, little things, ALL things straight to Him and then trusting---something that is difficult if you struggle with anxiety--or even if you don't!!  So I was prompted to pray about my $92 need.  At first I felt silly to be praying about something so small because there are so many bigger needs out there than my need.... but I learned that my prayer was more than just the money--it was about trust and I believe that is why I was prompted to pray instead of move money around and panic!  My prayer went something like this:

"Lord, I feel really dumb praying about this, but I feel prompted to do so.  So, you know I need $92 more to be able to pay all of our bills this week.  Can you please supply this somehow? "

And then my prayer changed and I really felt that it wasn't me praying anymore--and if you're not a believer this will sound so crazy to you, but the Holy Spirit really took over and my prayer continued like this...

"Can you please show me that I can trust you by providing this small gift?  I know we are not supposed to test you, Lord, but you know how much I struggle with trust and I need to feel you right now.  I need to know that you ARE here and that I DO NOT need to worry about any of the unknowns that I over think on--especially the unknown with Steve and if you can supply this $92, I will know that you are with me and have everything under control.  Please show me, Lord."

And then I was convicted to immediately gather my children and pray with them....right now.  There are many times when my kids think I am crazy....many, many times.  I am kind of crazy, but I knew that I needed to be praying with them right this very second.  We all sat in our living room and I explained that we were going to be short $92 and that I felt the Holy Spirit convict me to pray and now I feel like we needed to pray as a family--the same prayer I prayed alone.  I also told the kids that they were not to tell ANYBODY about this need. 

By Monday, the money had not fallen from the sky or appeared in the mouth of a fish or anything.  I was fine with that--I figured it wouldn't come, actually.  Nothing like faith, right!!??  i actually was feeling some guilt for "testing the Lord."  Later that night, Steve came in the house after returning home from helping a friend and threw a wad of money on the couch.  A friend of his had called him and asked if Steve could help him with a project really quick, so Steve did--not for money--just a friend helping a friend.  The friend felt like giving him some money and handed him $95.  

The feeling that rushed over me was something I don't think I have ever experienced.  This small gift built the faith of my family so much---my kids were in complete awe!  Well, except Selah who said, "I knew He would give us the money."  Faith is not something that child is lacking!

Thank you, Father, for providing for that small need in order to help me to trust You in all things from small to big!  Thank you for providing just enough money to meet our needs....and $3 extra for an ICEE.