"In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9 NIV
This is actually Linnea's favorite life verse, but I have stolen it. When I was young, I planned out my entire life. I
knew when I would get married, I
knew how old I would be when I had kids, I
knew that I would probably have 2 kids and have lots of money and live in a big house. I laugh because NONE of those plans happened like I had planned. God had different plans for my life, and I am so glad He did. I got married a lot younger than planned, had kids right away, had way more than 2 kids, live in a small house and have no money!
Finn has had a fever for the past couple of days and he wants to be held constantly, which has given me time to just sit and look at him and remember how he didn't come into this world how we
planned.
Luke faithfully prayed and prayed for another baby for our family, but it just wasn't working as quickly as we thought it would. Yet, he continued to pray every night for God to give us a baby. On May 4, 2011, I found out that I was pregnant--I was SHOCKED--and completely thrilled. I was thrilled to have another baby, but even more thrilled that Luke's faithful prayers were answered with a "YES!"
Shortly after this, I was with the kids at a local homeschool co-op for our Friday classes. I started to feel pretty lousy and knew something was wrong. I grabbed Selah and rushed to the bathroom and started bleeding and clotting very heavily. Bummer. Selah looked horrified and I just told her everything was okay and we were just going to be quiet. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get out of the bathroom, grab the 4 other kids from their classes, and get home without making a scene---I didn't want everyone to know that I was miscarrying--especially since I didn't know most of the people at this co-op. I prayed for the Lord's help and left the bathroom. I found my kids right away--thank you Lord--and was quietly saying that we had to leave early because I wasn't feeling good.
"WHAT MOM? YOU DON'T FEEL GOOD? WHAT'S WRONG?" Shhhhh......come on!! "Just come on guys, I'll explain in the car," I say as the bleeding is getting worse. "WHY MOM??" UGH. Shush! And then it happened....what I was dreading.....Selah started talking. If you know Selah, when she starts talking it's never in a quiet voice and it tends to be somewhat inappropriate. In a very busy hallway, with about 100 people, Selah says this in her loud, high pitched voice:
WE HAVE TO GO BECAUSE MOM IS BLEEDING FROM HER BUTT AND THE BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE. I SAW IT.
Silence. The roar of talking in the hallway became more of a whisper as the 4 yr old was trying to explain why we had to leave our co-op early.
We made it to the van.....and then home where I continued to bleed heavily. Later that night, we prayed. I was devastated--mainly because Luke prayed so fervently for this baby and now this baby was no more! We all gathered on my bed, praying, crying, confused. Everyone except for Selah. She was jumping on the bed, laughing, and full of joy. This really irritated Luke--he was mad that Selah wasn't sad and didn't care! Then she spoke.....
"The baby isn't dead. It's alive. It's a boy. God told me!" Jump, laugh, jump, laugh, jump. By this point, Luke was just furious with her. I explained to her that God took the baby and that it was okay--it was his plan.
"Nope. He's alive. God told me."
A week later, I started to feel sick. If you've been pregnant, you know the sick I am talking about. The deep pit in your stomach, nothing sounds good, churning kind of sick. I decided to make an OB appt, just to make sure that the miscarriage was complete. I took Selah into the ultrasound room with me because I really couldn't trust her in the waiting room. The doctor had the screen turned away from us---and then he turned it around and said, "There's your baby. A nice strong heartbeat!"
Selah whispered in my ear...."I told you, mommy! He's alive!"
Yes he is, Selah, yes he is. On December 22, 2011, Finn was born. Was his birth as planned? Of course not! Finn flipped in labor and his feet came out first! Definitely not my plan.